This just in at the beginning of the week - "Bright Young Hollywood" vixens, some of which are underage and highly illegal to sleep with, are big fans of Nintendo's Wii console. These young women, of whom I am vaguely familiar with (in theory), appeared in Vanity Fair and spoke highly of Nintendo, albeit briefly.

Emma Roberts, age 17, star of the film Nancy Drew, Blake Lively, age 20, co-star of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Fellowship of the Wandering Trousers in the U.K.), and Amanda Seyfried, age 22, from Mean Girls, all support the Wii. Says Lively, "[I get terribly moist for] Guitar Hero for Wii. I had them write it into the show [apparently she is on a television show - ed]." Seyfried adds, "[my nipples get rock hard for] Wii, because of Guitar Hero," apparently unaware that Guitar Hero is available on all three consoles.

There's something like seven more pages of celebrity Q&A nonsense, but like hell I'm going to waste any more time on this sham of a news article.

With the new release of Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, you may increasingly find yourself playing the game in the company of others. You may also hear people make an observation along the lines of "people who can actually play guitar have a hard time playing Guitar Hero" or "playing real guitar is different than playing Guitar Hero." If you, or someone you love, is the kind of person to make such a comment, please be aware of the following:

No shit a plastic toy with buttons is different than an electric guitar with strings. Thanks for clearing that up for us, Einstein.

Celebrating independence from daily updates.
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Forget all of this Chrono Trigger business. If you want some FUN this fourth quarter of 2008 with your favorite handheld, look no further than to Rummikub, the winner of the coveted 1980 Spel van het Jaar award. For those unfamiliar, this classic board game (which is pronounced "Rummy-cube," since "Rum-a-cub" sounds like a Japanese Lion that turns into a Child Veterinarian or something) is a strategic contest where players complete melds in order to get rid of their colored, numbered tiles. It is honestly much more fun that that sentence is, at least if you are ten and Dutch. The DS Port will be produced and published by Games Factory Online, a company based in the Netherlands. According to wikipedia, "a remarkable aspect of the Netherlands is its flatness."

Honestly, everyone's all getting excited about Chronoing or Triggering on the DS, when they could be taking your blue twelve and then putting down my blue ten and blue eleven and oh man I have another meld in your face Dad. In your damn face. So, see, I do play some games, as long as they are very boring and foreign. As a final note, the General Manager of Games Factory Online, "Jurriaan van Rijswijk", has a name that can murder your mouth. Seriously, all the vowels left his last name and got stuck in his first name.

Thank you, overly fun sounding press release.

It stands to reason that I would update this (fantastic!) amazing new column on Mondays, and I plan to do that. But since it's already Wednesday and, you know, what are you gonna do? Next time you are looking to see which Virtual Console or Wii Ware games came out and if they're any good, check the site on a Monday afternoon! You won't not be not pleased!

Also, look below! Chrono Trigger DS! Man, I don't care. I'll pay more money for that goddamn game again.
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Square Enix launched a countdown site tonight, and unless you live in some sort of idiot hole you were quick to understand that this is mostly likely the announcement of a DS port of the classic SNES game Chrono Trigger. In the game, a young boy and six dwarves steal things across the temporal continuum and encounter Sean Connery. Also there is a Frog and a Robot. It is patently obvious at this point that I have never played this jeux-video, and so maybe this announcement is a good thing for people like me who don't want to pay a stupid amount of money for the original SNES cartridge, and who don't care that it was released on the Playstation, either. This is Nintendorks, not Playstationportdorks, which could also be a club about drinking rich Portuguese fortified wine from old PSOnes. Anyway, if this happens to be what every stupid clue says it is, then be prepared, DS owners. Be prepared to buy something you may have already bought but now can play on a miniature screen, possibly with poorly tacked on touch-screen mini-games.

When Mark and Boris got married in WoW (on the shores of that island south of Azurelode Mine--it was lovely) and vowed to host the best Nintendorks radio show possible, I was skeptical. I thought it would never last, but damn if those two don't love (hate?) each other more than the heat of a thousand suns. I didn't think they would keep it going, but their love is so pure, and their chemistry is so volatile!

My idea was to write a little update for each episode, but the problem with that is it involved me listening to every episode. I kid...I listen to every episode, but obviously not as soon as they come out. I'm a busy man on a bust a move.

THIS MORNING, HOWEVER, i LISTENED TO THE PAST 4 EPISODES THAT i HAVE NEGLECTED, AND i WOULD JUST LIKE TO THANK THE TWO OF THEM FOR CONTINUING THEIR QUEST OF LOVE FOR ALL THINGS nINTENDORKS. i ALSO JUST NOTICED THAT i SOMEHOW HIT MY ALLCAPS KEY EARLIER SO i WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK hERBIE hANCOCK FOR "rOCKIT."

The point of all this is to remind you of those links listed in "Outerdorks" over there on the left. Check them out, they won't hurt you! Think you've got a site that belongs there? Hahaha, I seriously doubt it! But why don't you send it along so we (I) can decide.

Every time Nintendo launches a new platform, fans immediately begin to speculate on new iterations to classic series. With the Wii and its motion controls, there was no limit to the wonderful ideas gamers had about how we'd play a new Zelda, Mario, or Smash Bros. installment. Each of the three mentioned games decided to stick with the mechanics that made them great, while adding subtle improvements that added to the overall package.

Mario Kart Wii does half of what I'm talking about.

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Sorry, guys. It seems that Nintendo has halted the progress on a Wii made with "Digital Versatile Disc" technology in lieu of just making more of the original systems so that little children don't cry on their birthdays when they get a PS3. ("I don't get a wii, daddy?" "No. Enjoy Haze, you terrible, ungrateful creature.") Does anyone remember when they did this with the Gamecube? No? What's that you say? Everything in your damn house plays DVDs already? You don't need your Wii to do it too? You'd rather it just play sweet, sweet games? Good. Good.

Thanks, Nihon Keizai Shimbun!

I meant to do these earlier in the week, but I was busy reviewing pinball games and getting new staff set up. So last night I decided to go the easy route and have #studio64 folk help answer DRCs, then remembered it actually takes longer to edit it all! In any case, here are the WRCs.
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